ten years.

it’s amazing how ten years ago, ten years seemed like such a long, long time. and it was. it was more than half my existence. but now that those years have gone by, some of which were possibly the hardest years i’ll face in my entire life, they seem unreal. because in some ways it all seems unreal.

life has such a bizarre way of becoming memories. real life turns into pictures and then pictures are all you have when real life disappears. sometimes the hardest part of all isn’t that i can’t see her every day, it’s that i can’t remember what it was like to see her every day. i can barely remember what it’s like to see her. period. because eight years old is so young. and when everything is chaos, holding on to the thoughts and images that are the most painful is the last thing on your mind. but ten years later i need those memories. because so much of a girl is her mom. and sometimes i don’t even know who i am. i don’t know a whole part of me.

but then there’s another part of ten years that seems SO real. i’ve lived so much life in ten years. i started dancing. i made my best friends. i kissed someone. i graduated high school! it is all so cliche…but it’s life.

ten years ago seems like yesterday sometimes, like maybe i will wake up tomorrow and my parents will be drinking coffee at the table and we will be a perfect family again.

but imperfection has its beauty. and i have been made so strong through my imperfect life. sometimes it’s so hard to see the good in any of this craziness, but when there are so many people who love you and so many things to do and so many experiences to feel and things to accomplish and strangers to meet, you have no choice but to see the good. to feel it all the way down in your heart. and i do. i feel everything SO much. my lows are really low, but my highs are really high. and that makes every day okay. that makes every day great.

i grew up too fast and my happiness wasn’t always genuine. but ten years later i’m eighteen. and i’m reasonably intelligent. and i do things i love every day. and i have some really amazing friends. and my dad and sister are still the two most amazing people in the whole world.

ten years ago, the world lost a really wonderful person. and i lost a mom. and my dad lost the love of his life. but things that are lost can be found. and someday i honestly think we’ll all find each other again in a really amazing place that i don’t really understand yet. that sounds kind of bible-y. but i guess that’s how hope works.

life is so damn hard, but it’s also so damn beautiful.

  1. matsabee posted this